Change is Needed

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”

– Aristotle

Self discovery is one hell of a thing. But when you thought you were standing straight, you realize you are actually hanging upside down.

I make myself fail. That is what I’ve learnt over the years, and that’s something that I know that needs to change. I’m left with overwhelming anxiety and the feeling of self loathing for not taking action sooner and yet here we are.

*Note: I don’t know if this line of thought is just in my head at the present time due to a surgery I went under and the depression that is effecting me so bad that I freeze/get overwhelmed with inner thoughts and feelings, or that I’m just so desperate for accomplishing so much more that I actually can.

I let this get to me mentally and I want change that, not let it hit me so badly, it’s hard though and it’s harder trying to learn from the mistakes you’ve made so many of, you have to learn though, I have to learn and help myself.

Now I’m not saying I can’t work or that I can’t focus all my attention to completing something, but personally I feel like I might be doing this to myself, or maybe post2what I’m lead to believe. I’m a brilliant student (teachers words) I try my best to be.

So unsurprisingly at this moment in my life I am a student, I enjoy learning new things and love the environment I’m in currently. I hated high school with a passion, but after leaving and started learning at these other colleges/universities I realized that I had a inner excitement to learning and interacting with others.

But back to today, my realization might have to do with my current uncontrollable anxiety and depression or my lack of confidence, I can’t just blame that though (even if it is a huge contributor). So I’ve decided that I’m going to try to live off a schedule that I have made for myself, this way I might be able to have a sense of accomplishment and get things done.

I know what your thinking “Your just going to let yourself down, if you can’t keep up with it” and to that I say… well yes but I feel like I need to push myself and if I miss something then I own it to myself to work harder the next time I work on it. I haven’t nearly been productive as I should’ve been recently.

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What I do know now is that I could’ve worked harder. I could’ve, but I got in my own way, and that is what my current journey of self discovery is about. It’s hard to admit, and I’m writing about it because I’m sure I’m not the only one who keeps fucking myself over.

I feel like I threw away more opportunities than I took. I kept finding reasons not to take them, or to not see them. I threw away friendships, I alienated colleagues, all because I was the problem. Because I was a failure.

No more. I refuse to be a failure, and my biggest challenge now is to convince myself I didn’t realize this too late. I have wasted enough time.

As a final note, this is not a cry for help. I didn’t write this in an emotional fit. I am in control of myself. Writing this down, and finally sharing it, is what I think helps me.post4

 

I should’ve gotten over myself when I was 16, not 21. That is my failure.

Thanks for reading.

8 Responses to “Change is Needed

  • Artsyfartsy
    1 year ago

    You’re not a failure…you have to stumble before you can walk and in the same way when you’re just starting to learn things you’ll screw up a lot more in the beginning than the end…failure is not a dead end – it’s a learning experience. Every time you fail you learn at least one thing new and you remember it better than you would if you succeeded…and that’s been scientifically proven.

    So maybe instead of being sure you’re a failure and being convinced you will fail you should be looking at the fact that you learned something and you’re growing. Failure is not a bad thing :).

    • Michael Besnard
      1 year ago

      Thank you for you kind words,
      I know failure is a strong word and this post is based around that word, and I would normally think of things as just me learning, or like what you said I’m just Growing.
      And even though I know I’m still learning, I’m just being overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, I guess I’m looking at things in a more harsher light. I’m working on fixing that.

      I appreciate the time you took to leave this comment for me 🙂

  • yeppeo
    1 year ago

    Failure is part of life and you shouldn’t beat yourself over it. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road. In my opinion you always take something out of every failure. Also, it’s never late to follow any path you want in life! Just don’t beat yourself over the things you can’t change anymore; instead try to built new things!

  • sealpikachu
    1 year ago

    First off, I am new here and I’m in love with your artwork, keep it up! Second, failure does not define us and, in my opinion, is just a term we use to describe giving up. There is no such thing as failing if you do not let it come to you. Please don’t feel bad, look at how you can make it better! There is always a new possibility waiting for you to tackle it.

    • Michael Besnard
      1 year ago

      I’m glad your liking my work ^_^ and I’m working on bettering myself even though I’ve somewhat labeled myself abit of a failure.
      Failure is a strong word to use and probably not what I should have used.

      Thanks for your comment 🙂

  • I’ve definitely screwed myself over in my life. I’ve learned to do it less or to recognize when I’m doing it sometimes, but even at 34 (and almost 35) sometimes I have trouble. For me, it’s a matter of setting up good boundaries with others. Sometimes I don’t do it well and sometimes I cut people off too easily–don’t give them enough of a chance. I’m working on it. Every day. Bon courage, friend!

  • Xalia13
    1 year ago

    We all have different experiences in life and I think having any realization about oneself is a positive thing. I absolutely adore art and creativity. I have artistic ability but only use it ever so often. The fact that you are doing something with your skills is amazing and you should be proud.

  • FWestwood
    1 year ago

    I have so many thoughts and ideas in my head – and if I’m not working on them I get itchy. When I relax, I beat myself up afterwards as I think that I could have been achieving something.
    When I’m working on an idea, I have another idea in my head that I’m eager to get on to.
    I rarely finish personal projects because of this.
    You’re not alone in how you feel.
    I found a few things has helped me take away the fake pressure I was putting myself under:
    *I don’t share my ideas with people – no one knows what I’m working on but me
    *I’m happy to leave one idea and work on another if that’s what I want to do, the original is always there to go back to if I think it’s worth going back to – as no one knows my ideas this has become easier
    *I put no timescales against myself to achieve things – I’ve learnt that I do them for pleasure if I complete them or not, just working on them is my idea of fun.

    I hope this blurb makes sense. I suppose the summary is this: you’re giving yourself the most pressure, go easy on yourself, things work best when they aren’t forced 🙂

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